By: Julie Weaver, MA, LPC

Have you talked about sex with your spouse in the last year? How about in the last 5 years? How about foreplay specifically? Is this the elephant in the room for you? How much have you talked with your therapist about these topics? I imagine not at all. Is there a need? Often times there is great need. So……. let’s talk about it. What do you and your spouse define as “foreplay”? Let’s consider pleasuring all five senses.

Taste-

  • Be sure to be prepared with cleanliness, oils etc, if you are hoping to use the sense of taste.
  • Taste, kisses etc. is an area that can be pleasuring for the giver and the receiver.

Smell-

  • This may be obvious, if you smell good, you will be more appealing. Take a shower so that you are clean, shaven, teeth brushed, nice smelling. To be smelled can alone be pleasurable.
  • But there are definitely certain smells that can be an aphrodisiac. Ask your spouse which smells are especially affective for him or her. Use scented candles, air fresheners with those specific scents.

Sight-

  • Men are initially turned on by sight. Gals, what are you showing him? Hint: The lights on creates more pleasure for him. Are you letting him see how your body is responding? Allow your body to move with the feelings you are experiencing. Guys, let your pleasure be known in your facial expressions, sounds and your body movements.
  • The environment: are the lights, bedding the way you both like it?
  • Think of what you are wearing. Remember, the frame makes the painting even more beautiful.

Hearing-

  • Prepare the environment with music, natural sounds or a sound machine to block out distracting sounds and to set the mood.
  • Verbal affirmation is a form of foreplay.  A man will feel more in the mood if he feels you see him as your awesome lover. She will feel more prepared to show and give of her body once she knows it gives you pleasure. Tell her what your eyes love. Be very descriptive. This will also be a self-esteem booster to counteract the media’s message of body image.
  • Allow yourself to make the pleasure sounds that are coming naturally, the sense of hearing will be working to the advantage of both of you. You will be positively affected by freely vocalizing.

Touch-

  • Women are initially turned on by touch, so kisses, caresses and gentle touch at first.
  • The manual (or oral) stimulation should increase in intensity when you see the responses showing preparedness.
  • Men warm up fast and women are slower to warm up but stay warm longer even after a climax. To paraphrase my pastor- “In the area of sex men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots”. So guys, that means you will need to plan to take time to use touch to warm her up. Women, understand that your husband may be ready sooner but that does not mean he won’t enjoy spending time preparing you to be ready.

Ask yourself “who invented sex?” and “who created our bodies?” I hope your answer is God himself. The Biblical book of Song of Solomon talks openly about the sexual relationship. I would encourage you to read it. Remember, God created sex for our marriage, for our pleasure. When given the right circumstances, our bodies will respond as created.

For more help within your relationship please consider talking with a counselor who specializes in this area.

 

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